


A Dance in the Fire

by NaturalAddict



Category: Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Depression, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Literary Device: Repetition, M/M, Not Happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22284421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaturalAddict/pseuds/NaturalAddict
Summary: But the truth of the matter is, he will never ever blame him, even if Mafuyu will blame himself.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Yoshida Yuuki
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36





	A Dance in the Fire

Tipping the scales. Making a difference.

That isn't the sort of thing he has in mind. It is just curiosity at first. Not a particularly noble thing, a selfless drive. Meeting Mafuyu is a coincidence, and everything afterwards is simply inevitable. Because he's an idiot. Because he's a child. Because they both grow up together, but one still has to be left behind.

Clinging to that hand is idiocy. Letting go is even worse.

He does both. 

_Mafuyu is so pretty. There's something about him that tugs at Yuuki's heartstrings each time their eyes meet, squeezes his lungs and keeps him from breathing. He doesn't feel the absence of air. Like he needs no more than just that feeling. It's so good it's almost painful._

There are many things that worry Yuuki. Going to uni. Leaving this town. Getting a job. Being apart. 

More than worried, he's stressed, and that's because Mafuyu never brings it up, so he feels he can't, either. Shouldn't. What even is the point thinking about this stuff? 

It's not all he stresses about, either. 

Loving him so much is suffocating, almost. He's allowed no room to be discontent because he does have everything he wants. Their friends and family are accepting. His love is met tenfold. Days stretch on leisurely one after the other, but that shouldn't be a problem because he doesn't want time to go by anyway. 

So why...? 

_They hold hands and they kiss, and his hand runs freely through that soft hair, along that warm body. They crack stupid jokes, and they laugh, and they remember the past_ _but they've forgotten. He wants to be with him all the time, to let his mind be filled with him and nothing else, and he can. He gets to. He gets this. Gets **him.** It's so painful it's almost good._

More than stressed, he is tired. 

He wishes he were allowed to sleep in, to skip school, to say he needs a break. To be alone long enough to be sad, to be sad and not feel puzzled by it, to be sad and not have to smile.

A wide, bright smile that could light up the world, Mafuyu's world, however many times need be. So that there isn't ever any darkness cast over either of them. No, it only ever clouds his thoughts and lurks in the deepest recesses of his mind. Deepening. Inescapable. Hidden behind his smile, hidden behind everything that he isn't but pretends to be.

_"Are you even listening?"_

Mafuyu's voice is so soft. He remembers back when it was still a struggle for him to let go of every word he wanted to swallow, to let them out and talk.

_"Hmm?"_

If he ever wrote a song, would that same voice sing it as beautifully as it moaned underneath him, as it called his name ever so often while Mafuyu slept and he didn't, as it vibrated in unconscious hums of melody that stuck not to one mind, but two? 

_"I asked if you're alright."_

Yuuki isn't alright.

_"I'm always alright!"_

Maybe he has never been.

_All he can do is smile. This is for Mafuyu. Everything is for Mafuyu. So he will trick and deceive and pretend and lie. One of them will be happy. One of them can be._

He knows one day, it will be over. 

He's accepted his fate before long. One day, someday, he will be forgotten and unneeded. There will be no one to look back at him and rely on his sweet words and unwavering dedication. No one to lean into his kisses and tremble under his touch, to keep him safe from whatever lingers in his heart, ignored but consistent to the point where he doesn't want it there. He can't help but think that might not be such a bad thing. 

After all, then he can finally stop forcing himself to smile.

But the truth of the matter is, he will never ever blame him, even if Mafuyu will blame himself.

_"Do you think you'd feel any different singing a song if it was written just for you?"_

The thought that he might is sufficient to drive Yuuki forward blindly. He works so hard to give him something he's never asked for and probably never will. 

_"Just now... Did you say something?"_

He's wanted to say it for a very long time. He's tired. He's in pain. He doesn't know why. He's sorry. He wants to stop trying.

What did Mafuyu want?

_"No, nevermind. Go back to sleep."_

Words can be written in a song. Feelings can be woven into a melody. For some reason, he wants to hear his own emotions in Mafuyu's voice when he sings. To be understood without having to understand himself. To look in his lover's eyes and be relieved in some way that he knows he should be.

_Mafuyu is so angry all the time. He still looks beautiful like that. It's the same mouth but with different words, the same voice but different sounds, the same person but there is a difference. Yuuki caused those changes. Yuuki and his music, and he still wants to write a song. He hasn't wanted anything in such a long time. He's had everything for such a long time. He's felt like nothing. He's so exhausted._

"I can't live without you!"

_They're so foolish, both of them. Throats hoarse from screaming, doors constantly slamming, hands swatted and deafening silence. Cold. Unfinished lyrics. Broken strings on an expensive guitar. A will so fierce it has vanished into nothing. It's so cold._

"Can you die for me, then?"

. 

. 

. 

He's said he'll do anything. He can do anything. Mafuyu just has to want it. He just has to wish.

_"You and I will be together always."_

Yuuki is a liar. 

He drinks even though he can't handle alcohol. Because he knows it's time, but he's still afraid of pain, and he **_knows._** He knows Mafuyu is a damn liar too. There is no sincerity behind those words. It's not a request. The boy just wants to hurt him, but he has already been hurting since long before.

It still works. 

The sun has set and he will not be there to see it rise. No one will know why, but they will think they do. He has not told them. He has not told him. The stress. The fear. The strain. The sleepless nights, every word written and crossed out, every chord tested out and abandoned.

He's tried. He's tired. 

Mafuyu isn't happy now, even though he's stayed. He'll leave before he's forgotten, and that will make it harder, but maybe that's what's needed. 

_"I'll_ _do anything you want!"_

The song won't ever be sung. His feelings can never be conveyed or helped or understood. The seasons will change but the cold may linger. Mafuyu will have to stand alone, because Yuuki will jump off regardless of being well aware that he can't fly. 

_"Anything?"_

"Anything, Mafuyu."

_Except keep on lying._

His legs are wobbly from the sake and he feels the phantom constricting of his neck before it's even started. It doesn't put him out. He stares forward as he jumps, 

_Except keep on living._

and he does so with a smile. 


End file.
